a wish upon a star..

so it has been years since i have been on here. i barely remembered the password. its crazy how fast time goes by. all in all things are well. by december of 2010 ill finally be where i want to be in life. what more could i possibly want..?

ok well soo much is going on it would be hard to say everything right now and explain it fully.
basically. i miss being at school beyond words. secondly. im questioning things that dont need to be questioned. but overall, you could say that im doin ok and im generally happy. my mind just needs to catch up with the rest of me.
maybe what i need is a good one night stand.

my first entry in here was going to be amazing.. talking about how great school is going and the fact that i have amazing friends and just everything is finally falling into place. that would be before i was sent to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. now my parents have pulled me out of school and want me to take another look at my life and myself and really figure out why i keep making decisions that are just creating my downfall. This is what my dad says.. he wants me back at school, but he feels like i have a lot of growing up to do. I understand what he is saying and to an extent i agree. i just feel like the decisions i have made that have created bad situations are what is going to lead to me growing up. everyone has to make bad decisions in order to grow. yes, ive had my fair share of issues... but really they all teach me more and more about myself. i dont know. at this point, im just trying to see what is going to happen. if i have to be out of school for a little while i might as well make use of the time im out and really figure stuff out. i dont want to keep messing up. i want my parents to look at me and be proud of me... not look at me and feel disappointed. im tired of that. for once, i just want to make them proud. maybe this is how i do it...


to all my sjc friends.. i love you ALL. you have no idea. your support and how you truly care about me means so much to me. <3 hopefully ill be back soon....

well its april and there is only about a month left of school. some people see this as a good thing, but Im more on the other side. I would rather stay here this summer, work, save money and be happy. I have a job lined up if i could only get my parents to go for it.. we'll see what happens. i just dont want to be home for 4 months. way too long with nothing to do.

so.
last thursday.
nick and i went to a nickelback concert in manchester. It was by far the greatest time ive had in my life. Trapt and Chevelle were also there, playin backup for Nickelback. So we didnt get stuck with crappy no name bands.. defintely made my night.. We went to dinner before hand with his dad and his step mom which went well. The restaraunt was really nice and you could tell it was expensive.. I think Im pretty much one of the few people who look at the prices of what Im ordering. I have to or else I feel really bad if what I get is something outrageous. i dont know.. maybe im just weird :-P

random side note.
sometimes i feel like i shouldnt care as much as i do about people.
or at least some people.

its times like this where i dont know what is right and what is wrong..
even the things i was sure of are no longer the same.

does he realize that my thoughts are still of him as i lay awake each and every night..? does he think that im hurting less because im the one who broke up with him? does he feel like im in the better position here..? cause ill tell you im not.. im torn up inside.. beyond anything ive ever felt.. and the worst thing about it is.. knowing that his mind is set on despising me for now.. it hurts to see him and have him avoid eye contact.. it hurts to see him turn his back and walk in the opposite direction.. for someone who told me he would always be there.. hes doing an awful good job at running away and leaving me to my own defenses..

if he knew how hard this is.. would he make it easier.. if he knew that i cry about him constantly and fall asleep in tears. would he be there to wipe them away?.. no
he wouldnt.. he wont.. i let it get too far.. i let myself fall in the first place... :'(
just another lesson learned.. but so hard to deal wtih when you still love that person.
maybe someday he'll understand and be there with a smile and a warm embrace to give me.. just maybe....

i dont know what it is about thiswhole situation that unnerves me most.. the fact that he wants nothing to do with me or the fact that im finally realizing that i dont truly love him anymore...
i cant imagine living my life without him, but thats just how its going to be. and i guess, in the end it will work out.. ill just have to wait and see..


on the other hand.....

you have made me smile beyond words during a time when all i thought i had left were tears.. you have made me see that even if he doesnt care, you do and you honestly dont know how much that means to me. im so happy to have someone that i actually mean something to..


he is the reason i cry at night.. but you are the reason i continue to smile..

if he knew that just the look in his eye could make me feel this amazing, i wonder what would happen.. if he knew that i d r e a m e d of him last night i wonder what would happen.. *i have found something i dont want to let go of...

wow update much.. im a cool kid..

i just want to know.....
what happens now.. do you hate me.? can you tolerate me? why arent we on speaking terms anymore, when things were perfectly ok on friday...? what happened between then and now..
PLEASE CLUE ME IN!!!

at least by me going home i will be able to forget this whole mess and just escape for a little while..
i dont want a relationship.. yes i love you, yes i care about you but i dont want that.. even though you havent even called me your "friend" lately.. i still just want to make that clear..

havent heard from him since monday.. feelin ok.

well ive decided something at last, you can be a real prick and honestly what is the point in me caring if you dont care yourself.. i dont need someone in my life who has no respect for me and doesnt value me as a person.. which is obviously a slot that you fit into..
if i could change what happened i would.. but the fact still remains the same.. and i have no power over it anymore. you can either hate me for life about it.. or be fucking mature. YOU CHOOSE.. cause im done

nick
i cant stand that you cant stand me.. why i still care i dont know. i guess i should just randomly stop caring the same way you did..
will that really solve anything or help me out.. probably not.. and would you like to know why.. because no matter what you think of me or how you feel about me i will ALWAYS care about you.. i think you know this.. and if you feel like you dont.. then maybe our whole relationship was a mistake.
maybe everything you told me was a lie.. maybe we were both kidding ourselves.. who knows anymore. i dont know where to go from here. i know that this is the last thing i EVER wanted.. no matter how much i told you i wanted you out of my life.. even though i broke up with you, it NEVER made it any easier for me.. would you like to know just how much you effect me.. even still???? ok here goes.. last night after calling you because i KNOW you called me but i was on the phone* i went for a walk around campus then on my whites bridge walk.. then finally i went to my tree.. and i just sat there and cried my eyes out for god only knows how long.. i dont think you realize just how much you still mean to me nick.. everything that has happened was not supposed to.. i think you know this, you just dont want to admit it to yourself.. yes i kissed zach.. that WAS my mistake and i totally and OPENLY admit that.. but you cannot say that i did stuff with him because i wanted to.. and if that is what you are saying and spreading around to everyone who will listen.. then you are really an insensitive, poor excuse for a human .. for a friend.. for an ex boyfriend.. for ANYTHING that you consider yourself to be. i cannot get over the fact that you can possibly choose your so called "friends" over me and actually think that it is the right decision.. i hope you come to realize just how much you have really lost in deciding to not associate with me anymore.. but ohh wait im sure you will be constantly reminded as to what a "bitch" i am and how i "dont deserve you".. maybe its all true. but one thing isnt and that's that i PURPOSELY WANTED anything to happen with zach.. and since i know that is where all of your hatred and anger is towards me that is why i am AGAIN bringing it up.. after all that i told you about that.. and everything that happened.. i cant believe you would have the balls to even bring that up as a reason why you hate me so badly.. yes i made ONE MISTAKE.. in kissing him.. buT NOTHING ELSE WAS MY FAULT AT ALL.. and i honestly dont know what else to say.. thats all i can say.. I WANTED NOTHING from him.. but i guess nothing i say or do or think or wish or want 0r need matters to you anymore. you are just going to forget everything and move on. i hope you know how to choose friends wisely..

dont let yourself get played either..
fucking men suck. not that i cared about how you felt for me.. cause obviously you didnt or you would never have done something i didnt want to happen.. but still come on wheres your respect.. your integrity.. dont let me find out through someone else that you are a liar and a man whore..

so meeting zach last night was amazing to begin with. He seemed like a nice guy.. sweet and easy to get along with and talk to.. nothing suggested otherwise. After getting to my room and seeing him sitting there i was quite surprised.. i didnt even know if he would show up or not because he didnt tell me for a fact he was coming.
We decided to go out for a short drive just because it was better than sitting in my room feeling all awkward.. so we get in his car and things are goin fine. we were talkin and joking and stuff and i was just enjoying being in his prescense. When we got back to campus we headed back to my room and just watched tv n stuff. this is when i guess i let my guard down and found myself in a position that was not what i wanted in the least. i started to kiss him, just because i wanted to.. even though after i realized i didnt really want to, i just thought i did.. and things progressed until finally it got to a point where he had to leave because of how much pressure he was putting on me to do stuff.. Ive only had this kind of experience once before with an ex of mine and its not a spot that i like to be in at all.. feeling like you have no control over what is going on and completely open and vulnerable is not the greatest thing in the world.. I dont think details are needed to get my point across.. but DON'T EVER BE SO TRUSTING OF PEOPLE AND NAIVE THAT YOU PUT YOURSELF IN HARM'S WAY..
i think i learned a pretty valuable lesson last night. as awful as it was.. something good came from it

so i have this cold and ive had it forever.. or at least it seems like it.. im tired.. my head hurts and i just want to go to bed..
and whooooooo might i add, attempts to meet you after knowing you for only 2 weeks.. only talking online?
i dont know whether to meet him hang out and then decide whether its ok or not or just tell him no straight up.. plus he cant even be straight with me as to whether he has a girlfriend or not. he said before that he and his ex were trying to make things work but now he says he doesnt have a girlfriend.. apparently she doesnt know that though.. because she still tells him that she loves him and cant wait to see him.. its not like i want a relationship with him at all.. i just dont want to be lied to or played for a fool.. cause ive had more than enough of that in the past..

i dont know what to believe anymore..

to make things 10 times worse.. things with you arent getting better.. all i know is we cant continue this way anymore....its not right. its not fair to you or me to get our emotions confused..

this month has felt more like an eternity and i dont know how im going to be able to get through this year..
ending things with Nick was supposed to make things simpler, easier and far less confusing than they are right now. So, logically i dont really understand why i am letting this whole thing get to me so badly. Everyday i end up spending time with him regardless of whether or not i neccesarily want to. That is how it used to be at least. Now i am finally beginning to let go of everything that i had with him. this is how things should be and its what i need and want. he knows this. i know this..
on to other things- i have found that classes this year are much harder, although i guess that is to be expected. hopefully i will be able to keep up with things and continue to do well, but its all in my hands.. if i mess things up this is it.. so i have no choice. gotta do good.

again i have let far too much time escape me before i have even thought to update this.. but now that i am here i have plenty to talk about. for starters, i am back at st joes and definitely grateful to be here.. i cannot think of anything else that could make me happier.. this is where i belong and nothing is going to stop me from getting the grades i can get this semester//
its a new year and certainly time for changes in the way i go about things.. im determined to stay completely focused on school and my assignments, no matter what the cost..
some things just change// its no ones fault.. its only how things are..

doubts are not my friend :'( ive learned that much today..




did i break your heart
by straying so far

wont you change me
from who ive been lately
wont you save me
from who ive been lately
cause i cant see living without you..


*KATHRYN GRANDMAISON:: what would i evvver do without you?????
i miss you so much.. thank you for im'g me.. came at just the right time. I so needed that.
we have got to get together at some point..
we can do whites bridge one more time.. :)
i miss it..looooadss :(

you are the beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeest...
i wish i could go back in time.

wow i cannot believe just how much time has gone by since i have written last.. :O guess ill have to fix that. .for sure ;)
so, reading through my past journal entries, i realized just how confused i was about things.. yet i was still such a happy person. One thing I have realized is I should have never wasted my time on thoughts of you and the past.. because that is exactly what i was doing to myself. so not the best of ideas huh? haha YOU WERE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I'VE MADE IN MY LIIIIIIFE, DANIEL PAUL CONNORS. woooo that feels great to say.. :)
anywhoooo..
to update i think i would really need a full day and a lot of energy to explain just what's happened since i have last been here..

FOR STARTERS.. i no longer question anything about love.. due to the fact that i have the most amazing, thoughtful and truly remarkable boyfriend that exists on this entire earth.. NICK, you know how much you mean to me, love.. some things are just meant to be and that's how it is with us. I LOVE YOU beyond anything i've ever felt.
It all happened the night after i spoke with aaron, this guy i had gone out with the previous weekend.. He told me that we couldnt start dating each other because of the distance and he just didnt want to have to deal with it. So, i was pretty upset and down about that..after all.. who says that? who gives you that kind of reasoning? i guess aaron billingsley does so. but whatever. totally all good :)
thats when nick im's me.. and i dont even really remember any of the conversation that we had.. i just rememeber him asking if i wanted to hang out.. which i found just completely surprising.. i mean he was in my western civ class and i talked with him a little bit, but i didnt think he would ever want to hang out with me. i dunno guess im pretty clueless at times. haha. so, he comes over to my room and we start talking.. i just remember laughing the whole time and thinking how it felt really good to finally be able to laugh and be with someone who just made me forget all the bad things in my life and my past. I didnt really take any notice of all of that at first.. but thinking about it later, that is definitely what happened that night. He was able to finally make me see the brighter side of things.. even if i couldnt or didnt want to at that point.
so after that night of just talking with Nick, he left and i dont really know what i did.. probably went to bed fairly late thinking about the usual things i would think about, never knowing that pretty soon i would no longer have to thing about anything.. that i would have what i was searching for. ;)
we hung out pretty much ever night that week. and had a lot of fun. after definitely falling on the ice outside of my dorm, i felt pretty lame. it was quite embarrasing.. to say the least lol.
yet you still hung around with me ;) guess you didnt think i was as lame as i thought i was. :) wooooo
hehe.
to end this lil love story.. nick and i started dating pretty soon after.. february 20th, 2005. definitely by far the sweetest way anyone has ever asked me out ... :) and the rest is history.. maybe ill write more about it some other time. ;) but for now its my secret!
I ADORE YOU NICHOLAS ANDREW GAGNON!

that is for sure the most important thing that has happened in my life since i last wrote. however, i realized a lot about myself.. as i think about the person i was at the beginning of college and then who i am now. i have grown up quite a bit.. my personality has changed.. and defintely for the better.. ive become more outgoing, more independent.. ive become the kind of person i have always wanted to be. and i love that..
on the other hand.. i really did lose sight of some pretty important things.. i found that i wasnt there for my friends as much as i should have been.. that is something i truly regret.. yet i hope i can work to fix in the future.. because NOTHING is worth losing friendships over..
i also lost a lot of focus in school.. as can be interpreted from the grades that i received. this is something that should never have occured.. but you live and you learn. i will so prove this. education is my key to the future. something i cant just throw away or take for granted.. you'll see. im quite determined. :)

woo well i think i need a little break from this.. maybe ill write a lil more later on today.. but for now you have some details as to what has been going on :)

home......
thats my next update... :/